Investigative Report: Tracking Down the Productivity Ninja

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Clay

(Above: The Productivity Ninja playing game cube with the Productivity Zombie)

What’s all this nonsense about productivity ninjas? :-) Seriously people.

The productivity industry’s use of ninja-ness to seem cool works about as well as this kid’s use of gang signs (see left) and rapper chains (see right) to try and seem hip.

Ninjas, rock stars, and computer hackers are cool (well, some of them) but productivity ninjas, productivity rockstars, and productivity hackers? Please.

But perhaps I’m being too harsh (I probably am). Perhaps there’s really a productivity ninja out there. I mean, everyone seems to be talking about him (or her). I’ve spent countless hours in the productivity blogosphere and people are name dropping this ninja left and right.

So maybe there is a ninja out there. If there is, no one seems to know much about him except that he’s really, really productive. Given this situation, I decided to do a little investigating and . . .

Here’s What I’ve Found About the Productivity Ninja

1. He “Rocks” the Computer with Keyboard Shortcuts

Throwing a ninja star is cool. But “rocking” the computer with keyboard shortcuts is about 100 times better. And what’s more productive than learning keyboard shortcuts? Not much. This ninja’s a definite badass.

2. He Might Be Bruce Lee

According to this article, Bruce Lee is both a Productivity Guru and a Productivity Dragon. Given this obvious reality, it’s not a stretch to imagine that he’s also the famed Productivity Ninja. It should also be noted that if Bruce Lee is the productivity ninja then he has lots of things in common with Merlin Mann (again, see this post).

(Note to Bruce: Being called “a Productivity Dragon” presents a personal branding nightmare. It might be appropriate for Bruce to roll over in his grave).

3. He Might Be Dave Navarro

Michael Martine thinks Dave Navarro’s the productivity ninja. And in all seriousness, he might be right. Dave really is pretty cool.

4. He Works with the Email Ninja or He IS the Email Ninja

It’s entirely possible that the email ninja and the productivity ninja are the same person. I mean, the ability to “subdue many messages at once with a few graceful but powerful motions?” is a skill that, theoretically, any productivity ninja should have (pssst…. it can be gained with these 10 easy steps). But maybe the email ninja is just a protégé of the productivity ninja.

Here’s a scary thought: the productivity ninja might use phrases like “Tutti Frutti Oh Rudy” and have a plaid belt (8th degree).

In all seriousness, however, wouldn’t a real ninja shoot a dart at you with a note in it or write a message on your arm without you noticing it?

FYI-A Google search for the exact phrase “email ninja” yields over 16,000 results.

5. The Productivity Ninja Might be A Sexy Woman

Being sexy would definitely increase my interest in the productivity ninja. On the other hand, someone telling me that their “usage of labels and filters in GMail is way better than [mine],” just isn’t that sexy.

I seriously do not want to be a productivity ninja if being one involves stuff like this:

# I send notes to myself via command line, like "gtd.sh -n
# ‘do foo’"… this just sends an empty email to me with
# "do foo" in the Subject. Depending on the item, I want to
# apply an appropriate label. I use GMail’s "plus syntax":
# anything addressed to eater+next@gmail.com is delivered to
# eater@gmail.com, but I may filter "to:eater+next" uniquely.
-The Productivity Ninja

6. She or He Doesn’t Have Much Fun

See the previous quotation.

7. He Does Not Hang Out With the Productivity Easter Bunny or the Productivity Tooth Fairy

Ok, so I don’t have any direct evidence of this, but I wanted to pad my list. But my hunches about the Productivity Easter Bunny and Productivity Tooth Fairy are dead on. Right?

8. He Doesn’t Have to Pay a Lot for Books and Tapes

This is a really important one. The productivity ninja become what he or she is today “without spending hundreds of dollars on courses, tapes, CDs, and coaching.”

Good to know.

9. He DOES NOT Use Internet Explorer

Everyone knows this but it’s worth repeating. The productivity ninja does not (and cannot) ever, ever, ever, use Internet Explorer (see #7 on this list). That’s probably his first and primary rule. Internet explorer is like kryptonite to both ninjas and productivity. This is just common sense: if I were an email ninja then Internet Explorer’s the LAST browser I would use to check my email.

10. He Isn’t Affected by *Dings*

The productivity ninja could care less about dings . . .

And as long as you’re letting the *ding* take you away, you’re not being a ninja. You’re being that guy.
-Merlin Mann

Trust me, you seriously don’t want to be that guy (he probably uses Internet Explorer).

11. He Prepares (to do Whatever he Does) with A Moleskine Notebook

When I think of ninjas I think of Moleskine Notebooks with pages contain various color coded hit lists:

Black: soon-to-be-dead enemies
Green: soon-to-be-dead friends of enemies
Blue: soon-to-be-dead political assassinations
Gold weird color: soon-to-be-dead productivity pirates

Conclusion

If a true productivity ninja does exist then he’s living in personal branding hell (probably the nefarious doings of the Productivity Pirate; see right); he should consider hiring a personal branding ninja, a marketing ninja, or a Copywriting Ninja.

Become a blog-reading ninja and subscribe to The Growing Life.

Photos by Darragh, lilpixiegirl03, 416style, unkown, G-tastic 7, The Infamous Gdub, and Sandrino, respectively

Posted on 15 May, 2008

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30 Comments so far »

Jonathan from JonathanMead.com said,

Wrote on May 21, 2008 @ 3:49 pm

Clay, I think your life may be in danger. Beware the.. oh god I can’t even say his…

*static*
Jonathan from JonathanMead.com said,

Wrote on May 21, 2008 @ 3:53 pm

Oh one more…

What about the productivity gangster? Ninja please.
Stu | Improved Lives said,

Wrote on May 21, 2008 @ 4:00 pm

Maybe we should start a productivity zombie counter-movement.
Nathalie Lussier said,

Wrote on May 21, 2008 @ 5:06 pm

You crack me up! Good thing I’ve scheduled this time to comment into my productivity ninja time table. ;)

P.S. I like the idea of the sexy ninja… who cares how productive they are? ;)
Michael Henreckson said,

Wrote on May 21, 2008 @ 5:42 pm

Hilarious. You strike so close to home for all of us geeky productivity ninja/pirate/zombie/thingies. :)
Duff said,

Wrote on May 21, 2008 @ 5:48 pm

I killed the productivity ninja with my badass Gmail labeling system. Hence why you can’t find him.
Melissa (Pronoia) Pierce said,

Wrote on May 21, 2008 @ 5:54 pm

I’ll just come out and say it, it’s me.
@Stephen said,

Wrote on May 21, 2008 @ 6:20 pm

>>Jonathan: I think you mean “Productivity Gangsta”!
LOL! Clay, this is the best post yet. I love it!

While you were searching high and low for the Productivity Ninja did you come across any sign of the Ultimate Moleskine Hacker?

And I would love to find out what you think about this: http://tinyurl.com/6753q9 I bet you can get hours of Productivity Goodness from perusing that bi-lingual site. Heh.
Dave "hi-yaaaaaaaa!" Navarro said,

Wrote on May 21, 2008 @ 7:24 pm

I don’t want to say too much, as you’ve all but uncovered my secret identity.

Ah, hell, who am I kidding. Thanks to Naomi at Ittybiz I’ll be carrying the “Mr. Productivity Pants” title to my grave.

In the meantime, I give you this insanely entertaining clip of my fellow ninjas:

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/ninja_parade_slips_through_town
Trey Meier said,

Wrote on May 21, 2008 @ 7:37 pm

This post is amazing!

I don’t think the Productivity Ninja is reading this post, or ever will. It has too much distracting goodness that could easily wrap someone up for a long time, following all the great links to learn the Ninja’s ways…
J.D. Meier said,

Wrote on May 21, 2008 @ 11:59 pm

Well, I wanted to learn the ways of the productivity ninja … but I failed to snatch the pebble from Melissa’s hand.
@Stephen said,

Wrote on May 22, 2008 @ 3:39 am

>>Dave- “The Ninja Parade”?? Are you kidding? Hah, LOL.
I almost wet myself!
Daniel Richard | Winning Everyone said,

Wrote on May 22, 2008 @ 4:15 am

I raise my hands up for not using IE 7! Except to roll out Diggs.

Ninja’s aint explorers. They are sly, cunning, foxes that knows their way ard stuffs and uses shortcuts like shooting shurikens at blazing speed.
Or else they’d be hunting ard the web safari.

Great seeing Dave Navarro here too! Shoutouts to all. :D
Dave Navarro said,

Wrote on May 22, 2008 @ 7:04 am

@Stephen -
That Ninja Parade link is hilarious - I just had to share it.

@Daniel -
Thanks for the shout. Backatcha.
Maria - Never the Same River Twice said,

Wrote on May 22, 2008 @ 7:07 am

Oh, I would looove a follow-up post on the gear of the Productivity Ninja. Not only Moleskines and Firefox but index cards, space pens, Post-It flags and so much more…

Down with the pocket protector, in with the iPhone case!!
David | beplayful said,

Wrote on May 22, 2008 @ 7:26 am

You forgot the productivity ninjas never visit facebook, not even to fight pirates.
Zen Dad said,

Wrote on May 22, 2008 @ 7:30 am

The productivity ninja would also (of course) use a mac. *grin*
Kenneth King | Destiny Building said,

Wrote on May 22, 2008 @ 7:54 am

I like #5, that SHE might be a sexy woman. Heck, then I wouldn’t even mind the plaid belt. Ever see a female ninja with a plaid belt?
Brick Andrews said,

Wrote on May 22, 2008 @ 8:47 am

@Zen Dad: you are right, productivity ninjas would use a mac. All beautiful people use a mac. Productivity hackers, on the other hand, are required to use some sort of linux distro - preferrably Ubuntu. BTW, true hackers would never actually call it “Ubuntu”, but rather they are required by law to use those clever alliterations Ubuntu uses for its various versions: Fiesty Fawn, Gutsy Gibbon, Jaded Jaguar, Kleptomaniac Kougar, etc. (Yes, open source police, I made the last two up…)

Note: Productivity hackers also do not use complete words. Such as “distro” in the above paragraph instead of “distribution”. Think of it as “short cuts” for the english language.
Daniel said,

Wrote on May 22, 2008 @ 11:20 am

I have a productivity blog and I don’t know why you have to make fun of us… :D No seriously, that was one of the best posts, I’ve used the term myself (Heck, I’m linked in) and I laughed my a*s off :)

Now that you mention it, it is pretty weird, and to prevent future shame, I may be using productivity martial arts expert, or productivity savant from now on :)

Awesome post man, it feels good to be made fun of sometimes (it opens our eyes :)

Please let number 5 be correct!
Sonia Simone said,

Wrote on May 22, 2008 @ 11:57 am

Can I take this opportunity to tell the entire Internet that I like IE and my PC just fine and they can kiss my Windows-using ass? It’s a tool, people, not a religion. Thank you so much.

“Mr. Productivity Pants” is so good that I may never recover. You should register the URL immediately.

I think I may be the Productivity Sidekick.
Jay - Ready, Set, Change! said,

Wrote on May 22, 2008 @ 1:51 pm

Good going — you just totally fucked up my Halloween costume for this year.
Dave Navarro said,

Wrote on May 22, 2008 @ 2:00 pm

@Sonia -
Do Ninjas have sidekicks?
Daniel said,

Wrote on May 22, 2008 @ 2:37 pm

Yup, I believe they are called Ninjettes
Dave Navarro said,

Wrote on May 22, 2008 @ 3:03 pm

“Ninjettes.”

Now that just sounds hot.
Michael Martine | Remarkablogger said,

Wrote on May 22, 2008 @ 10:04 pm

Well if I had a productivity ninja name it would be “Mr. Productivity Depends.”

And if you’re thinking, “depends on what?” you didn’t get it.

Oh, and Sonia: of course it’s a tool. Just like Budweiser is really beer.
Liara Covert said,

Wrote on May 22, 2008 @ 11:57 pm

One way to protect yourself might be to learn what you can from the film, “untraceable.” Other than that, might I suggest the film or book called, “Catch Me if You Can?”
What’s This Productivity Ninja Sh*t? » Better Than Therapy - by Mark O’Neill said,

Wrote on May 27, 2008 @ 11:53 am

[…] read more | digg story […]
Rolf F. Katzenberger said,

Wrote on June 8, 2008 @ 4:40 am

Hey Clay, you forgot the “killer” tools. All Ninjas use “killer” tools. They “kill” their email, they “kill” their tasks, they “kill” their coworkers… oops, damn, no, sorry…
Sam Rutherford said,

Wrote on June 9, 2008 @ 1:32 pm

Am I the only one working here (being productive) or what?