Five Ways Productivity Can Turn You Into a Real Nutjob
Sometimes too much productivity can turn you into a real tool. We’ve scooped these 5 winners from the productivity loony bin to provide our own self-development lesson about d-baggery and what-not-to-do. . .
Nutjob Type #1: Mr. Space Man
People always ask the same questions about these types: “is all that technology really making them more productive?” The answer, of course, is obvious:
Of course they’re more productive than you. They’re freaking cyborgs!!
Anyway, we know Mr. Space Man all too well. He’s got $10,000 worth of gadgets in his fanny pack (not to mention, space ice cream), and can’t stop futzing around with his stylus. He speaks flawless Klingon and has most definitely been assimilated.
If you approach him with a productivity problem, the solution will likely come from a recent issue of Pen Computing Magazine and it will probably require you to install another program on your PDA.
How to Identify Him
You’ll know this guy because his cordless headset NEVER comes off. And I mean never. Not during showers, not during basketball practice, and (from what I’ve been told) not during sex.
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(Pictured Above: a Space Man at a bar, wedding, and ski resort, respectively).
Nutjob Type #2: Mr. Hyper-Motivated Renaissance Man
What’s all this stuff about motivation? I say, if you need motivation, you probably need more than motivation. Actually, if you ask me, this country could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me.
-George Carlin
We all know a d-bag like this guy and frankly, he’s no Jean-Luc Picard. He hands out personal business cards and introduces himself as “a speaker, inventor, litterateur, traveler, philosopher, thinker, poet, and sportsman.” He apparently speaks 10 languages but his fake New England accent still sucks. Anyway, this weekend he’s flying to aspen for private skiing lessons; on Sunday he’s going to Honduras to scuba dive and attempt breaking a world badminton record.
He makes video resumes like the one pictured to the right and will soon begin graduate studies at Yale. He’s training for a marathon, is penning a fencing how-to book, and is a professional field hockey player.
He’s also kind of a knob. We’d all be envious of him if he actually got laid once in a while.
Nutjob Type #3: Mr. Law of Attraction Megalomaniac
The best selling book “The Secret,” has opened up a quantum physics portal to parallel universe and allowed a bunch megalomaniacs nutjobs through (see below). For fun, the crazies among this group of wannabe richie riches create movies like the one below . . .
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Highlights from the Video:
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Here’s a news flash: we can’t have everything we want (contrary to what so many of the “Law of Attraction” people tell us). Two year olds haven’t learned this yet. Adults should have this part handled by now.
Here’s exhibit #2 . . .
At some point I lost track of the all sh*t this guy wants. Was that 6 luxury cars, a racing boat, a private jet, and two homes? Anyway, I’ve got a new affirmation for this guy. Repeat after me: “I am not a loser, I am not a loser.”
Nutjob Type #4: Mr. “Life” Hacks
[Note: Mr. life hacks really isn't a nut job. He's more of a fun loving geek who's lost perspective and gone waaaaaay too far. We wish him no ill will.]
So the first thing you need to know about the people in this group is that they really like emptying their geek bags, taking LOTS of pictures of the gadgets contained within, and posting the results to Flickr. Seriously, there are hundreds of photos like these online:
So you’re probably wondering what it means to hack one’s life. One example would be making the DIY plastic banana protector pictured to the left. Another example would be going overboard with chord management on your laptop (see right). I mean, if managing one’s chords and protecting one’s bananas doesn’t substantially improve your living, then I don’t know what will.
Anyway, Mr. Life Hacks wishes he were McGyver and probably wanted to be a real hacker back in the late 80s, early 90s, but ended up settling for a less exciting desk job and ends up consoling himself by hacking non-technology items.
It should also be noted that Mr. Life Hack uses the term “hack” pretty broadly and in conjunction with just about anything. One can properly refer to date hacks, marriage hacks, diet hacks, child hacks, food hacks, kitchen hacks, parents hacks, brain hacks, etc. If these whackos figure out a new way to use catsup then the solution just might be called a “catsup hack.”
Nutjob Type #5: Mr. Fake Zen Guy
Mr. Fake Zen guy really likes, you know, “that Asian spirituality stuff,” and he refers to eating with chopsticks as “Zen power eating” (the life hack people might refer to it as “hacking your meal”). He uses the term “Zen” as a synonym for all that is good and righteous in the world and he secretly hopes the chicks dig his Zen aesthetic. The illustration on left shows Mr. Fake Zen Guy doing some “Zen writing.”
Fake Zen guy hasn’t yet figured out that the Enso (not the Yang and Yin) comes from the Zen Buddhism tradition:
| Real Zen (The Enso) | Fake “Food” Zen (the Yang and Yin is Taoist) |
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It bears mentioning that Mr. Fake Zen guy is starting to get really good at Fake Zen Photography. He recently uploaded the following picture (see left) to Flickr and titled it “Zen” (he took it after doing a “Zen power walk”). I asked him about this picture: he said he was flipping his dharma, or Feng Shui, or something.
Mr. Fake Zen Guy guy subscribes to all 2,000+ self-help and productivity blogs with the word “Zen” in the title, and reading them has become a real time sink.
Anyway, we’ve heard of Fake Steve Jobs, Fake Seth Godin, and Fake Samuel L. Jackson. I think it’s time for Mr. Fake Zen Guy.
Become a productivity nutjob today and subscribe to The Growing Life.
Photo credits (from top to bottom, left to right): KrazyKritter, Gary Jones, Lerxst Boycat, Yumikid, Vince B. Attila, RjNagle, Buddhaah, GlennQNYC, Peter Gene, rhapsodienbleu, Striatic, [public domain], Anple, and #BennehBoy.
MonkMojo said,
Wrote on April 25, 2008 @ 1:37 pm
Mind blow.
Andrea Hess said,
Wrote on April 25, 2008 @ 1:47 pm
Awesome! As someone who comes from the spiritual development world, the Law of Attraction Megalomaniac is my personal favorite.
Thanks for the giggles!
Blessings,
Andrea
Lodewijk van den Broek said,
Wrote on April 25, 2008 @ 1:56 pm
This made me laugh :)
I recognize all the Mr Spaceman people, they make me laugh on a daily basis. And productivity = lots of gadgets, never understood that one. Productivity for me is getting as much done with as little as possible. Why would I need a gazillion gadgets? To automate stuff?
I just don’t see the productivity = law of attraction connection. They’re not on the same page in my book. The LOA people mostly are lazy people (not all of them) wanting it all, without doing a thing. Productivity peeps are mostly overcommiters, trying to get a grip on things.
I find that the latter often don’t have a clear vision of what they want from life, but plenty of energy of getting it. While the former have no energy, but have a ‘clear’ picture of what they want. Especially what they want to OWN.
Jonathon Howard said,
Wrote on April 25, 2008 @ 1:59 pm
Thanks for the laugh, I’m so glad I don’t have any of these people in my life!
Jay said,
Wrote on April 25, 2008 @ 2:30 pm
Last time I flipped my dharma I ended up a father.
Maria - Never the Same River Twice said,
Wrote on April 25, 2008 @ 2:35 pm
Hilarious stuff! One critique, though.
You forgot about Ikea Hacking.
JEMi | Tips for Life, Love, You said,
Wrote on April 25, 2008 @ 2:45 pm
LMAO
Clay, I had to laugh
This was quite entertaining - good for you
calling the real nutjobs out :)
melanie said,
Wrote on April 25, 2008 @ 3:26 pm
you have really great posts! been enjoying coming to the site to see what you serve up next.
Daniel Richard | Winning Everyone said,
Wrote on April 25, 2008 @ 4:17 pm
Ah! The two videos you posted before of having everything they see in stock images are “theirs to have”. You are definitely having a kick out of this Fake Zen Productivity thingy. Cheers!
Sheamus said,
Wrote on April 25, 2008 @ 4:30 pm
“Mr. life hacks really isn’t a nut job. He’s more of a fun loving geek who’s lost perspective and gone waaaaaay too far. We wish him no ill will”
Translation: I’ve suddenly realised this is 90 per cent of our readers. ;)
Dyan said,
Wrote on April 25, 2008 @ 5:40 pm
I have to agree with the comment Shaemus made that Mr. Hack is just a nerd trying to have more toys than the rest of the boys in the yard. It must be sad at the end of the day when all you can brag about is how much energy resources you depleated !
Coach Melissa Pierce said,
Wrote on April 25, 2008 @ 6:34 pm
loooove it.
Rob O. said,
Wrote on April 25, 2008 @ 10:08 pm
I get so incredibly tired of the self-important Mr. Bluetooths walking around everywhere these days!
If you’re so vital to your company’s survival - your constant communication so key to your personal success - that you can’t take that silly Bluetooth headset off long enough to scarf down a couple of tacos, well, golly, what ever will happen should the unthinkable happen - like you get the flu or just need a day off?
This has gotten far past the point of absurd! Just because the technology exists to allow to do something, doesn’t mean you should - or even that there’s any legitimate need. We got along just fine without instant, always-available communicaton a decade or two ago…
And Blackberry owners are even worse! They feel the need to be able to respond to an email in a moment’s notice. Makes me suspect that these bozos are even “thumbing” out message while on the potty…
Put down the cell phone & Bluetooth headset and get a grip!
Isabel Joely Black said,
Wrote on April 26, 2008 @ 1:35 am
Fantastic piece!
I especially love the banana protector.
Guy at mildife said,
Wrote on April 26, 2008 @ 2:59 am
Love it, these nut jobs need to be exposed. I see the guys with their phones on their ears thinking they are in a Star Trek movie, they look daft, the fake zen and The Secret are both just follies but The Secret really worries me because they will drain a lot of vulnerable people of their money, it should be illegal to scam like that. It is so distasteful.
The life hack clones just need a bit of therapy :O)
@Stephen Productivity in Context said,
Wrote on April 26, 2008 @ 5:30 am
LOL. Great post. I love the categories!
You will need to take some notes next week and run a post on the FMB party.
Dianne said,
Wrote on April 26, 2008 @ 7:28 am
I love this entry…but I have to ask you about this phrase: “I am not a looser, I am not a looser.”
Did you mean, “I am not a loser, I am not a loser”?
It seems to me that if the only thing you want in life is more and more stuff, there’s something sad about the life you are living. I don’t need a gadget attached to my body all the time…it’s just an electronic leash and a form of slavery, as far as I can tell. I wouldn’t want a bigger house, just something more to clean. I wouldn’t want more cars, I can only drive one at a time (and, with gas as expensive as it is, I don’t do much of that). I have zero interest in throwing money into the pocket of a fashion maven just because they decided to change the “must have” color palette this year. Most of our wants are manufactured artificially by people who want to sell us something, and have nothing to do with what we really need.
Good post. I liked the one about the “Cult of Abundance, Goal Autoimmune Disorder, & Abundance 2.0″ - right on target.
Laurie said,
Wrote on April 26, 2008 @ 9:25 am
Haha, this post was hilarious, Clay. I recognize all of these types for sure.
@ Maria: I am totally subscribing to the IKEA Hacker RSS feed! That site is amazing!
Eric said,
Wrote on April 26, 2008 @ 10:10 am
Where have you been all my life? Loved it, very clever and accurate.
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker said,
Wrote on April 26, 2008 @ 10:31 am
Clay, I will ask what I did in my StumbleUpon comment, “Are these people afraid of the silence?” Without the silence, I would have no peace within or without. I have to spend time by myself, with myself, or I would go crazy, not to mention, I become bitchy to my husband when I am not getting my alone time. What is so frightening about spending time with yourself that these people have to stay plugged in all the time. Is that fear or what? Great article. It would be funny, if it weren’t so true for some people.
Torley said,
Wrote on April 26, 2008 @ 10:34 am
Clay, I appreciate how you’re continuing to grab “productivity” by the balls and offer an attitude-laden, no-holds-barred approach to calling out the fakery and lame-ass “looks busy, does nothing” out there. Your humor is getting edgier (at least visibly), and in the wake of all these Zen Habits-copycat blogs cropping up which say the same basic things many times but fail to offer much new, I can relate to #5 AND AM CRACKING UP HERE!
Hilarious Lobot comparison image at the top.
Let me just say that whenever something’s successful, be it a music style or lifestyle trend, unsavory parasites will try to cash in on it, and spotting these nutjobs and distinguishing them from the actual achievers is paramount. :)
Cylithria said,
Wrote on April 26, 2008 @ 10:39 am
Absolutely love it. Well done, well done!
Columbine said,
Wrote on April 26, 2008 @ 10:57 am
Well done. #3 is cropping up everywhere, subsuming apparently sane people’s lives - I suspect it’s an economy-linked plague…
J.D. Meier said,
Wrote on April 26, 2008 @ 11:54 am
Against Mr. Spaceman, I must be Mr. Flintstone — I have yet to get a cellphone. Someday. Maybe.
Barbara Swafford said,
Wrote on April 26, 2008 @ 12:20 pm
The cordless headsets/Bluetooths drive me nuts. I keep thinking people are talking to themselves or to me.
#4 reminds me of being in line at the airport as the person in front of me unloads their backpack.
Pat R said,
Wrote on April 26, 2008 @ 2:37 pm
Good post Clay. I guess people are coming up with more ways all the time to connect and plug in — only they aren’t plugging into anything of much value just more noise and chatter. Well it goes like they say, “Different strokes for different folks”.
Duff said,
Wrote on April 26, 2008 @ 4:37 pm
Oh boy, this is fun.
jason said,
Wrote on April 27, 2008 @ 12:55 am
These comments read like a lot of them were written by the same person. The post reads like a poorly done political campaign attack.
You’ve lost my interest.
Tom Stine said,
Wrote on April 27, 2008 @ 12:22 pm
Ah, come on, Clay, Fake Zen Guy a nut job? No, Fake Zen Guy is an opportunist. He’s found a niche he can play in. He can Zen his business, Zen his house (Feng Shui is Chinese, but no matter), Zen his love life. It’s all a strategy to get what most people want: M O R E!
However, all that Zen-stuff will get him someday. He will find himself forced to meditate and do yoga by his Zen girlfriend. He might actually find a moment of stillness, and the Fake Zen life will seem empty. The Universe always finds a way to get you, even Fake Zen Guy. :-)
MonkMojo said,
Wrote on April 27, 2008 @ 2:09 pm
@Tom: I have been patiently waiting (zen like) for your authoritative take on fake zen guy. It was worth the wait. Thank you.
David Hearst said,
Wrote on April 29, 2008 @ 12:57 pm
Got damn, who dun told you about the fake Samuel L. Jackson? Enjoyed the post Clay!
Rolf F. Katzenberger said,
Wrote on April 30, 2008 @ 2:27 am
Clay, what a massive fun read!
Now please give us a self-ironic post about *you* ;-)
Vincent Brown's Journal and Photography said,
Wrote on May 2, 2008 @ 5:21 am
Penchant For Sharing My Photos Online Backfires In A Humorous Way…
Hey friends,
The following link is a perfect example of how making your photos available for free use (under the Creative Commons license) can backfire.. LOL. Try to find the picture of “ME!”
Five Ways Productivity Can Turn You Into a Real…
Sonia Simone said,
Wrote on May 4, 2008 @ 11:52 am
Ah ha ha, this made me laugh. Thank you for making me feel better about being Ms. Fucking Dinosaur Who Can’t Twitter Without Firing Up Her 20-Lb. Laptop.
Oops, can I swear in your comments? Sorry. Anyway. Awesome, thank you.
Guthrie said,
Wrote on May 7, 2008 @ 1:56 pm
Ha, fantastic. This reminds me of a lot of the Internets. I remember reading a “LifeHacker” site recently that had people obsessively cataloging their geek bags, and I had to stop looking at it, wash my hands, and go outside immediately.
Bob said,
Wrote on May 12, 2008 @ 7:44 pm
You should write for Maxim, cause this reads like all of the superficial bullshit Maxim articles I get suckered into reading.
Mark said,
Wrote on May 16, 2008 @ 7:53 am
I loved your take on the Fake Zen Guy. I have come across a few of them myself lately. Scary stuff. You can lose track of reality.
Alaia Williams said,
Wrote on June 26, 2008 @ 2:43 am
Funny post. I have definitely run into a ton of Fake Zen Guys (and Girls) and waaaaaay to many Law of Attraction Megalomaniacs.
weeksgo said,
Wrote on December 27, 2008 @ 11:41 pm
I love the Real Zen ve Fruit Zen. Very creative post!